Tags: friends


My fall textbooks?

I got an email from UCLA bookstore saying "Your fall textbooks are here!"

Funny, I'm not registered for fall...mostly as I graduated. Guess they missed that part. Wonder when you get taken off the email list.

I guess it depends on if you are a creepy 'student' faking out the UCLA officials...ack. I've been keeping up on that in Ed's journal, I'm waiting for it to break in local news, LOL.

In any case, sorry to Caron-bean and Gita-bean for sticking my nose where it didn't belong and getting tempers up. Gita in particular, I didn't mean to make so upset, but just as she has a temper, I do to. And it tends to be a bull rush sort of thing, and I run people over with it, and don't mean to hurt feelings, so there. Please forgive. But, it works really effectively on male egos! Randy's yet to haul off and hit me, though I've seen the look in his eye on an occasion or two. Course, I would have tried to smack the shit out of him, but he's wily, and I might end up knocked out cold yet again, (for that, ask about one ill-fated incident at Patric's birthday party one year).

It's hard being a friend in the middle sometimes, and sometimes you just lose your temper.

Hopefully though, things are looking up...

IN the meantime, I have an upset tummy from tension and bad food, and I had a sudden plot idea for a cheesy fanfic pop into my head. I'll hash this one out....
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    My fans...
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Poopy, poopy day....

Today is a poopy day.

I seem to inadvertently gotten myself into a mess with friends that sort of made me blow my top. Not that I regret blowing my top, because sometimes you need that to clear the air. And there was a big need for air clearing. I just wish that sometimes it didn't have to get to the point where you want to throttle your friends because everyone is being stupid.

Not that I don't have my supremely stupid moments, mind you, I really, really do.

I don't understand human nature sometimes. Why is it that we would rather sit and grow resentful of one another, rather than talk it out? I do it all the time, Patric can beat the drum of my own hypocricy here. And I try to understand it in myself and others. Why is it that we hate doing it? Is it fear of recrimination, is it fear of losing everything, is it fear that we may be wrong? I don't know.

I had an incident at work I had to help mediate last week that was one of these type of situations, one person felt that their superior/s was acting badly, and of course that's my job, to help mediate. Still, a part of me is shocked that we as human beings have such painful issues that we can't ever talk about.

The most painful moments of my life center on the fact that no one was talking to anyone else. People began to resent, even hate each other, for no other reason than they let if all fester and never, ever resolved it. Marriages were ended, families torn apart, and friendships that were as close as siblings ended overnight because of whispering and deciet, as no one would speak up.

I'm not advocating warm fuzzies here, no touchy, happy 'friendship circles' in the words of Payton Manning. But damn it, who is the small guy I get to tape to the goal post! I just wish for once that it wouldn't get so f-ing ugle with friends. And maybe, just maybe I'll listen to my own goddamn advice once in a while, i'm sure Patric and Randy would enjoy it.
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    Air Conditioning
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A shoulder to cry on...

I called Caron-bean, (Copperdragonfly), last night on a whim, some itch in my brain told me to call her. We spent two hours on the phone while we chatted. She mostly vented. Life has been a bit tough for the Caron-bean. Everyone assumes everything is peaches and cream because 'now she's married'. And as far as hubby goes, life is peaches and cream. Mike is a great guy, and I said that then, and I say that now. But the rest of her personal life is sort of sucking her dry of late. Stuff with her Mom's health, stuff with her Grandma's health, and everyone's sort of abandoned her. And I admit, that sucks.

I tried cheering her up, I think I did. She needs to open up a bit more to people and tell them when she feels hurt. And in return, she needs to talk to these people and see if they feel hurt themselves, sometimes they do. And perhaps she can work through this and find that people aren't meaning to hurt her feelings, or she theirs, but that there isn't any communication going on, and when that happens, all sorts of noses get out of joint.

I know from PAINFUL experience.

Anyway, hope I made her feel better last night.

Today I had to give career advice to Randy. Sometimes I shake my head, but he's his own person and must make his own decisions. I wonder sometimes about him...LOL

I'm Ms. Advice columnist of late.

I realized that I don't want what I brought for lunch today, because I'm having it for supper. Must contemplate what to do.
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    I want to listen to my Ipod, but I'm distracted.
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OK, it's not a real dilemma, but it's a nag is what it is.

My college roomie, Faith, had been my best friend all through my years at Jewell. Despite the fact she annoyed the piss out of a lot of people, (who all love her husband), I stood up for her because, that is what I do. She was my friend, and I loved her, and I guess I still do.

We stopped talking really after her first child. I guess it happens when kids come into the scene, but there was a lot of hurt feelings on my part, and I admit, I didn't confront them. I felt that if she really wanted me to be a part of her life she wouldn't poo-poo me or ignore me. Perhaps that was wrong in my belief. I've nursed this wounded feeling for a long time, helped along by the irritation she engenders in the rest of our group of friends. I guess I got tired of sticking up for someone who didn't seem to care about my existance. I was wrong in this, sure, but there you go.

So this has been years now. She hasn't really been involved in my life, like Caron and Gita have, and to a much lesser extent Mel, and hell, even Kari, the least sociable of the bunch. At least I know Kari likes seeing me, I can't always be sure with Faith. Anyway, so I was discussing with Bridget (aka: Gita), whether or not to send Faith an announcement. After all, I'd like her and Josh to know, but I feel so out of the loop with their lives, I wonder if they would care. The thing is I know how people in this bunch get their noses out of joint over such things. We send graduation and wedding invitations to EVERYONE, hell we are nearly ten years out of college, and we still go to everyones weddings and send announcements of everyones kids. So it's the right thing for me to do to include them too.

Why do I feel so petty about it?

This is in light of my pettiness rant against Linda, and I think that stuck it up really. It donned on me I should send her one, and that I don't even have her addie in Nebraska anymore. I know they live somewhere in the middle of the state, but that's it. I'm sure someone has it, more than likely Kari, and I can ask, and I will be polite and send one. I know she'll be thrilled. But I still feel like if she cared so much, why wasn't she the one who was listening to me bitch and moan about papers, like you guys, or Patric, or Caron and Bridget? Hell, Gita is flying out for my damn graduation, and Caron would if she wasn't doing that, "I'm getting hitched" thing.

I know I'm holding on to a grudge I need to let go of, and I shall be the bigger person.

Glad to know we can still be young and have teenage angst once in a while. LOL
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    Reece's Oaty Bar song...
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If the boys and I weren't all friends, we'd kill each other.

It's the past-time of myself and the boys to argue about what we want to eat. Patric likes fast and greasy, which I do not. I either like meaty or healthy, depending on my mood, but fast and greasy are not my pics usually. Randy usually wants healthier than not, and seems compelled to argue with Patric on his insistence on eating food that's bad for him.

Sometimes I really hate it when we are hungry at the boys house.

Then there are little things. I hate watching certain types of movies...well a lot of types of movies. To be honest, I'm not a movie person. To add to this, every waking moment of my time should be spent on cramming stuff into my head. I don't mind the TV on as long as it's quiet, or better yet, mute, but that's only when it's me alone. I'd rather go into another room if TV is bothersome, or if I really hate the movie. Sorry, but I grew up in a house where I was constantly subjected to movies I hated, and I rarely ever got control of the one television in the house. So I would go upstairs and read. That's my way. I don't care if you think it's polite to sit through it and grit your teeth, if you don't like it you can go elsewhere too. Yet I get yelled at if I'm at the guys house and leave the room because I'm not interested in the television. This usually leads to some sort of curfuffle, with the TV going off and people's noses out of joint, rather than just being reasonable and leaving me be. I'm happy, I'm not complaining. I start complaining when you force me to be bored to tears sitting there, unable to read because the television is distracting, and unable to think cause whatever is on is mindnumblingly stupid or dull to me.

And the complaint of "Well when I'm at your house..." doesn't hold much water. Whatever you do is your business, don't push it on me. A number of times I'm forced to watch stuff I hate at my house even because suddenly at my house I lose control of the TV. Linda and I have it down, if she wants to watch SG-1 or CSI, shows I don't have a lot of interest in, either she goes to her room or I go to mine, and we are both happy. Usually though we watch the History Channel since we both like it.

There are things the boys do to drive each other nuts. Patric is a bit neater than Randy on some levels, and they will bicker on that. Patric nitpicking will drive Randy nuts and they will bicker on that. Patric will and can be more petulant and petty in an argument, which rubs both Randy and I the wrong way, and I'll just be sheer stubborn and mad, which rubs Patric the wrong way.

There is a reason I don't live with those two...cause I need to get away after especially long doses. I need to have my space, where I can have my girlie things, where I can watch endless hours of History Channel and Food Network, or not if I chose, where I can read in peace, and where I can feel I'm not under the pressure of being endlessly engaged when sometimes I just don't feel like it. And I know they both like to get away from me and each other to do their thing. Patric likes to go and camp, and well...Randy likes to sleep. LOL

But as Patric said last night after yet another bickering session at dinner, he's glad he's got us as friends, cause we give him a warm, fuzzy feeling. Cause at the end of the day, despite the bickering, we are still friends and it doesn't interrupt the flow of us being friends.

And I guess in the end, that's what is important.

Pandora's box....

Sometimes it's best to just leave things be and not poke at them. Cause it always reminds you of things you are trying to forget, which makes you grumpy. Like how stupid you were when you were young, or old fights or disagreements. Perhaps it's just me. This is why I, this historian ironically enough, like to leave the past be for the time being, till I can look at it objectively. I hate digging it up.


Speaking of pasts, apparantly Patric's ex moved to Colorado last week. This is a good thing in my opinion, though others disagree. I don't know, I just ultimately want her to be happy, and I like thinking moves are a chance for fresh chances and starts you know. Out with the old, icky past, in with the new, bright future. I'm a bit of a dynamic person in that sense anyway. It seems weird, but you know, I hope in the long run she's going to find the peace that wasn't afforded out here for all the various reasons.

If nothing else there is no driving to Century City every day, and you know what, that would give ME peace.

Best of luck to her and her sister.

Speaking of moving on, Mr. Moles is thinking about school again.

Now I'm not opposed to school, I'm not, I think it's a brilliant idea. Having done it myself, I know the value of a 4 year degree. I hope he knows what he's in for. I'm very proud of him though. My little brother's alls grows up! Well....then my own little brothers are doing school too.....hmmmmm...I suppose I'm proud of them too, but don't tell them that. They at least knew how to make toast though, and well....yeah, they could cook, Randy has come a long way in that.

He'll be a great chef someday, as long as he doesn't cut off a finger. If he does though, he can tell everyone it's a war wound!

Speaking of war wounds, there a story in Plutarch that made me think of Patric, about an Athenian tyrant who fakes his own wounds to gain his own personal guard which he uses to aid him in his grab for power. All I could think of was "SEE MY WOUND!!!!!!" Mwahahahaha.

I'm jealous of Mr. Thomas, he was eating cereal and watching cartoons this morning. I wasn't. *sniff* I shall go beat him up this afternoon for that.

I'm all contemplative now, and for some reason I'm thinking of Reece and Jenn, women who sort of meandered into my lives, and who I don't get to see nearly enough of and wished I did. I'm rather glad to know them, because they have the wisdom of being older than me, and the acceptance of people who've done many silly things all their own of their lives, which has taught them not to be judgemental. And even more, they are just kind, loving souls, who make me feel so much better about being young and occasionally dumb. I hope I will have half the grace they do.

And perhaps the spite of Jenn, cause well I like it when she gets mad. It's funny. Just don't get mad at me.

Off to a quick shower, some lunch, pack my stuff, and off to a meeting with my group in West LA.
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    Maroon Five
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The weirdness of Randy...

So Randy called my cell phone around 3:30 saying he was coming over tonight. I had told him yesterday that since Patric was going out and communing with mountain lions over the weekend, Randy could come by and hang out so he wouldn't be bored out of his mind at home. He said he had to work, as apparantly the chefs at La Tierza wanted him back so badly, he started again today. I hadn't expected to see him, but he was coming anyway. Thankfully, what I thawed for dinner was just right for three people. (BTW: Bobby Flay's wife has the best recipe for making beef tenderloin, I've been converted)

It was nice having Randy over as I've been rather stressed about things. We watched X-files, as I suddenly recalled just how much of this show I actually do remember from the first time I watched it, and bemoaned the fact that I was a teeny bopper when this show first came out. And Randy had to endure my squeels of girlish delight every time Mulder appeared on screen with his perfectly swept back hair, his professorial wire rim glasses, and those pouting lips. Besides, he was lusting after Gillian Anderson, he just didn't admit it. Some things never change with me.

I paused the episode that squicked me out most, the one about Toomes, the mutant liver eater, while reading something on a journal friended on mine, and had to ask him advice since he had been involved in a similar situation himself with Heather. And this lead us to talking about this and that, and things, and we sort of devolved into our usual Jenn/Randy conversations of the stresses in our lives, the lengths to which we've grown or changed, why Patric is so neurotic and why we seem to like this about him as we are his friends, and then this always seems to lead back to SLAFC, where we muse on the degeneration of things, why things went so wrong, and how we are so glad we tried to stay the hell out of the shit when it was flying, even though some of it was flying about us. Well, me specifically, and not completely uncalled for, though some of it was bald faced lying, and well it boiled down to how we realized that at that point SLAFC was full of really not nice, asshole people and while yes, we were a part of that culture and did some not nice things, (I know I specifically did), we didn't want to be part of that anymore and sort of divorced ourselves from it. In fact I think Randy and I got so much closer because of that, because all we really wanted out of the downfall of it all was just to be left the hell alone.

I think one pointed question that popped into my head in all of this is, "do you regret siding with Patric in all of this?" I had many reasons not to, and I had many reasons to. I knew vaguely what was being said about me, and while now I don't care to ever know precisely, as I think it's a) bullshit most of it, and b) pointless years after the fact, at the time it didn't seem to matter so much to me as scrabbling away as far and as fast as I could did, because it was all so horribly, horribly awful, and I didn't want to hurt anyone or be hurt. I just wanted to be left alone and for everyone else to leave me alone. In hind sight, this probably meant that I should have cut out everyone, Killie, Patric, the acolytes of both, and just hermited myself away, and to an extent I did. As I found most everyone involved slightly dispicable or at least a bit silly for throwing into it, (I myself did not feel particularly good about my own involvement), the one person in all of this I shouldn't have thrown in with probably was Patric.

Lot's of people will have nasty things to say about that, and frankly, since few of you ever bothered to get to know me or talk to me, and I can't say I know you and talked to you, you can zark off. Those who do know me and have an opinion, well it's yours, and I won't argue with it. But I do know something. In the four years between the time I decided to cut myself off, and the time I'm at now, I don't think I could have asked for a better friend save Randy. And Randy himself had to make that same decision years ago, and I think he'd say something similar to myself. Patric is trying, he's a headache, he's unpredictable, and thoroughly annoying at times. There are times I'd like to beat his head against the wall and hope something got through the thick, un-empathetic skull of his. But then I realize that Patric has also been a loyal friend, the first to come to my rescue when the chips are down for me, and the one who I can rely coming in when I'm bleeding on the side of the road somewhere. He hasn't always been completely honest, but he's never lied bold face to my face. And he's proven that despite where he was when I met him, he is a person who is trying hard, and I mean REALLY hard to be a good person. That isn't to say he's perfect or that he succeeds, but he tries, and that's more than I can say for a lot of people.

I guess in the long and the short, the whole experience I guess can be seen as a learning experience. I learned that perhaps that sort of lifestyle isn't for me. At my heart I'm a good person, who likes to be nice, and no longer wants to keep lies, secrets, or do things behind peoples backs because of my weird emotional issues. I think it's much better to just not get involved now than to rationalize it or to make it right in your brain. If instinct says no, go with it. Bad monkey! And try to be kind to people, don't just use them as toys or bad mouth them because you want to feel superior. It doesn't make you a good person. And that more than anything, I don't want to be the person I was during that time. I have many fond memories of the club, but I wasn't nice, I wasn't good, and perhaps I lent myself to many of the more colored accounts of myself because I made the choices I did. It's best to just not, and you know, people will respect you for the good person you are. My Dad of all people taught me that, because he's the sorta guy who is like that.

I have few friends now, and perhaps that's good for me. I have no serious relationship at the moment, and like Randy said, perhaps I shouldn't worry about that. For me, he feels, the right person will just come along and zap me, like a lightening bolt or something. Course, this is Randy, but he might be on to something on this one. So perhaps I shouldn't worry so much about that, as I've got so many other goals to work on. And despite all the work issues and money worries and stresses of school, my constant argument with my weight, and whatever, I think that I've come a long way from the person I was. The fact that so many nice, wonderful people like the boys, the Jewell gang, and my LJ friends piled out of the woodwork during this tough time for me means a lot, and it must mean that I'm a good enough person that they respect me. And perhaps that means I've grown a bit myself out of all this. And you know what, that isn't such a bad thing after all.

So enough about reminicing. In six months, I'll have my BA in History from UCLA. In seven, I might be mucking about Pompeii looking for Hottie Prof. And in eight, I might be working at DR again, where I started all those years ago. Things are looking up from here. And all the rest of that is all so much in the past.
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    Linda sleeping next door, and Randy snoring on couch below
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I'm rather beat. The trek to Baldwin Park, home, to UCLA, to San Gabriel, and home again wipped me out. And I still have a quiz to study for.

Bugger it all.

Caron-bean seems to be online, that makes me happy. I miss Caron-bean. I've feeling in a particularly female friend missing mood.

I have this overwhelming urge to make a high tea and have people come over, but I'd need a tea set first, and then I'd have to make the food. And all the female types I know live far away.

This is bothering me tonight.

Not that I don't love Patric and Randy to bits, but they like action movies, their house smells like socks, and they like shooting at things on Patric's big screen.

But Patric does have a tea set. And Randy can make girlie sandwiches.

Sadly, it is still not the same.

First thing in the morning...

I ditched class today since I only had the one and we were going over The Passion of Sts. Perpetua and Felicity...again. I've read this text five times since starting at UCLA. The other was St. Augustine, part City of God, the other I forget, but in any case it was not worth driving two hours in LA traffic on a friday morning to get to class and stay there for fifty minutes to turn around and drive 45 minutes back to Pasadena.

So I slept in...well that was the plan anyway.

I stayed up late last night reading for the class I skipped today, (might as well keep up), and had thought it was OK cause I'd sleep it off. But at 7:30ish my phone rings, with Patric relaying a message from Randy. That's fine, I answer, crawl back under the mountain of blankets on my bed, and snuggle in for a good snooze. But then someone starts banging on the back door, which is right below my bedroom window. Disgruntled, I turn over hoping Linda will get it. They knock again. Wondering where my roomie is, I throw on the robe, run downstairs to find her talking on the cell to Mike, the handyman for the complex, who suddenly forgot we have a front door, and that Linda tends to sit out on the patio in the morning. Funny considering she works for his wife, and knows Linda quite well. Grumply, I make my way upstairs again and snuggle in, even as Mike is pounding on the doorframes trying to fix our weatherstripping.

Then as I was drifting off, Mr. Moles arrives, unexpectedly. I had thought he'd come closer to noon, but he had Mr. Thomas's car, and was puttering around town running errands. It was nice to see the Randy after his saunter in the lands of the Romans, and he brought me an adapter for Italy for my trip, and a pin from the Vatican. I was most pleased to see him. But I was also not exactly speaking or understanding English for the first 45 minutes.


So now I'm debating on whether to tackle my bedroom or study today. I'm thinking the bedroom, as it is frightening me. Then I have to run to Office Depot to get printer ink and folders for my charges, so I can organize paperwork, and then get my TB test read. Perhaps at some point I will go to grab curriculums for the kiddies, and I've yet to hear from one of the parents, I'll call them tonight. Then I'll settle in, finish my room, cook some supper, and perhaps get a bit of studying done before bed. Tomorrow I have to meet my first client. Eeeep.

Anyway, i've read my email, I've sent birthday wishes to the sis who is 22 today, and I've read my DailyLit emails for the day. I have to make a list of books for our book club, and on further reflection I am considering putting our site on LiveJournal cause...well MySpace sucks, I think I can get more interest on LJ. I need to email other interested parties so we can compile a list of books to choose from. I want to get this going by Feb. Hrumph.

Off to dig through the pile of crap in my room.

I'm glad...

I tend to be a much more decisive person than a lot of people. Not to say I'm decisive every time, the infamous, "so what do you want to do/eat" always elicits an 'i don't know' from me, usually because I am either a) not thinking about it, so thus have no opinion, or b) am ambivalent and thus have no opinion.

But when it comes to things I want, I am much more decisive, and tend to ask for opinions much less. This does tend to get me in trouble as people who do have opinions do get their noses out of joint with me. But then I rarelly even have an emotional dilema when it comes to simple tasks and irritate my friends by trying to gain consensus on the everyday matters, (or not so everyday matters) of my life. I have a mind of my own, even if it does step on people's toes.

I wish all my friends thought that way.
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    Pachebel, Canon in D
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