Tags: (emo)


Just a thought and a prayer for me if you would...

Just a thought and prayer from people out there.

This is the first year where I will be alone for my birthday. Not totally, the roomie will be here, but it is the first year without my friends...well, people I considered friends. I am not dealing well with this. I try, I try to pray, and be reasonable, and do all the things that people tell you to do. But I'm failing miserably, and the level of depression surrounding this birthday is much deeper than normal...and it is scaring me a bit.

I am not handling being alone well at all. I keep trying to keep my chin up, to believe things will work out fine, but right now it isn't working. Perhaps in a few weeks, maybe. But the last week has been the worst. It's been a hard year where I've felt abandoned by those I've loved best. And recent weeks have thrown more emotional road blocks at me that I haven't discussed. Therapy is helping, somewhat, but right now it's a rough period.

THere are things to be happy about, the house situation is settled, I found a job, and we'll see where grad school apps lead me this fall. But personally, inside my head, it's not so good. In some ways it is getting a bit worse. Having never been in this spot before, i don't know what to do about it.

And my birthday is coming up. I'm turning thirty-four, everything and one I've ever loved seems to like to shit on me, and I'm a gibbering, depressive mess. I suppose it could be worse, but it doesn't make it feel better now. And damn it, I want to feel better, I'm so tired of feeling like this everyday.

Woo Boy...

Think that my roomie has finally lost it. Tonight I got yelled at about what a bad person Patric was because of the angst he's going through, and how dare a person care about the woman they love over their dog, (mind you he loves his dog). And then I was told I was trying to win him back by holding his dog hostage and not giving her back to him. Mind you, he wants me to take care of her and plans on taking her back, and I plan on giving her back, thus I don't know how that defines hostage. I'm a pretty smart person. And then I was told how bad of a person I was because I insisted on being Patric's friend despite the angst he's causing me, and how that must mean I don't love her and don't give a shit about her.


I had to listen to an hour of this.

Long and the short, yes, I rant a lot about Patric here because where else will I do it? He's still my best friend and it's worth it to me to keep my friend and not be a lonely, angry person hiding in my house. I feel better being his friend than not. And I am watching his dog as a favor because it is what friends do. I'd expect the same from him. I am not being used. Hell, I offered, because really, I wanted to cuddle a puppy. And I resent the insinuation or the aspersion. Patric has done much wrong, but having me watch his dog? I thought that was sort of responsible, make sure she was someplace safe while he moved.

Really...Linda has some fucktarded priorities anyway, and she certainly doesn't understand broken hearts, which I get in spades. And really she's most pissed off because she can't control this situation. She's pissed off that I'm hurt and she can't make me stop being hurt. And she's pissed off that the dog is here. Really, she's just pissed off at life, and she's taking it out on me.

I should mention she had been drinking again when she started this tirade. Really, I'd had a shit day anyway. My car is acting up. I'm not sure how I'm paying for anything. And then she pulls this on me. What the hell? Her behavior is becoming more and more erratic the older she gets. And I'm rather tired of it. I really want to move, but don't have the fundage. If I could pick up and move to the West side by myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. The idea of having some peace would be so nice.

Patric, I adore you. I am not not trying to get you back, I am trying to work through my angst concerning you. And to do that, I think the last thing I need is to be trying to win you back. Certainly I wouldn't use your dog to do it, cause that doesn't strike me as being particularly effective. Cause you would likely tell me just to keep her if I held her hostage.

Oye...really...I'm tired of crazy people.
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Tickle me Emo

Emo, emo, emo, much of it is just angry ranting. Really a majority of this is just me raging because I have no where else to rant, and much of it isn't rational or reasonable. And besides, I've beens tuck at home talking to no one all weekend. This is part of it.

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A really crappy weekend.

I'll keep it in bullet points as I've done a ton of ranting about this weekend already.

- I lost my Debit card. It is cancelled, new one is on the way for tomorrow, and I have cash. Will have to put new number into EVERYTHING from X-box to insurance. Son of a bitch!

- Roomie confessed to speaking to someone I banned from our house. She not only had him over in proximity to, (but not into), the house, she bought speed off of him. She only took it a week but you can imagine my reaction did not use very pretty language nor was it particularly meek, mild, or understanding. There was some serious discussion of asking her to move. But right now we are going with the therapy/AA approach, mostly because of this...

- Landlady lost house. She is in the process of getting it back, there was another oversight by the bank. They neglected to tell her that her payment date changed and that she was paying on the 1st and not the 22nd. Her payments were automatic, and no one thought to check on this. So they seized the house and tried to sell it but couldn't. Since no one bought it at auction, bank told landlady she could apply to get it back. So far things are looking hopeful but until I know for certain the house is hers again free and clear, I don't trust shit. Really, I would be mad at her but Wells Fargo have been absolute shits about this whole process and it makes me never want to buy a home in my life. Anyway, landlady is hopeful this will work out but if it doesn't, (which the pessimist in me is much more prepared for), she's paying a legal service to give us six months in the house before we have to move. And if we can't find one she said we can move to her place. LOL I don't know, I know this is bad for her and she's lost a ton of money already and may lose more. But really...this is the last thing I need.


Need Knight in Shining Armor NOW! Maybe Calgon...
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You know the drill, emo...move along...really this is on the advice of several therapist friends, and I wouldn't even make it public if they didn't tell me to, (cause apparently that's the whole point, I don't discuss my feelings with anyone but myself). And yes, yes, I'm going to go see about a therapist sometime this week. Really...don't read this if you don't want to see the raw nastiness of my head at the moment. It's not pretty, and I'm rather ashamed of it.

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