This is the first year where I will be alone for my birthday. Not totally, the roomie will be here, but it is the first year without my friends...well, people I considered friends. I am not dealing well with this. I try, I try to pray, and be reasonable, and do all the things that people tell you to do. But I'm failing miserably, and the level of depression surrounding this birthday is much deeper than normal...and it is scaring me a bit.
I am not handling being alone well at all. I keep trying to keep my chin up, to believe things will work out fine, but right now it isn't working. Perhaps in a few weeks, maybe. But the last week has been the worst. It's been a hard year where I've felt abandoned by those I've loved best. And recent weeks have thrown more emotional road blocks at me that I haven't discussed. Therapy is helping, somewhat, but right now it's a rough period.
THere are things to be happy about, the house situation is settled, I found a job, and we'll see where grad school apps lead me this fall. But personally, inside my head, it's not so good. In some ways it is getting a bit worse. Having never been in this spot before, i don't know what to do about it.
And my birthday is coming up. I'm turning thirty-four, everything and one I've ever loved seems to like to shit on me, and I'm a gibbering, depressive mess. I suppose it could be worse, but it doesn't make it feel better now. And damn it, I want to feel better, I'm so tired of feeling like this everyday.