Then discussed connection with an old friend I've made. There's a lot of anxiety around it, mostly from people to whom I mention it to. They all react as if I'm going to do something crazy, or this person is, or the world will explode, and it makes me jittery. This is a friend, nothing more, nothing less, a few conversations at best. But my judgement, as we all have seen, is spotty at best when it comes to relationships of all sorts, and so it has made me wonder if it is a wise course. I think the decision was that it was smart, after all this person is a reminder of happier times and is going through a rough patch themselves, so they can empathize. I just need to take a step back and realize that not all of my decisions to reach out to people are horrible ones, (even if it feels like it at the moment).
And we discussed Patric, my perennial angsty thorn. There is anger there, so much anger. I'm angry with him for so many things, and I don't know when or how I will ever stop being angry. I'm angry with him for chosing people who make him upset or sad, and then expending so much on them, and then turning to me to explain things away. And I have to ask, "Why them, why not me?" God, it pisses me off even to think about it. It hurts so deeply, this feeling that I can't measure up even to that. And then I'm angry at myself too, because I knew this.
I'm tired of being so angry all of the time. And God I hate this feeling of inadequacy, it makes me angry he makes me feel like that.
Anyway, so I left therapy and went to class, and Patric logs on to chat. He proceeds to rant at me for the rest of the day about Randy. Things are not good with them, and there is reason for it on both sides. The worst part is that I don't want to be stuck in the middle of this, not at all. But then I can't seem to get it through Patric's thick skull. He ranted about what an ungrateful shit Randy has been, (not untrue), and kept ranting about it. And I've heard this all before. A part of me wanted to yell at him that this isn't what I'm here for. He chose someone else in his life, she's around for him to rant to. Why rant at me when I'm stuck in the unenviable position of seeing both sides of this shit coin? I have no answers for him. Frankly I think the two of them should move away from one another and get their shit together, because they are sick of the sight of each other. Patric is hard to live with at the best of times, and Randy is as well, and I'm amazed they made it this long. Not to mention that really, when it comes down to it, I don't think Randy likes the direction Patric is going with his life. And frankly, Patric has been very burned by Randy and his inability to manage his finances. So I think they really need some space from one another.
Anywho....so today was sort of a shitty day. I'm hoping for a sunny day soon, a happy day, a day where I felt everything went right. Maybe someday.