Beshter (beshter) wrote,

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Therapy Session #4&5

So I try to blog about these things fairly quickly after the sessions, but it's hit that time in the quarter when everything is due. And to make matters worse I'm in three choirs at once, so time is sort of short. But I haven't forgotten, and the therapist said this is a great way to keep track of what we discuss and the progress I've made.

Anyway, both sessions focused a great deal on expectations, ones I've placed on myself and those placed by the culture I've come from. I don't deny that there is a lot of guilt because I haven't lived up to those expectations. I look at my brothers with their wives and families and houses and see myself as a pale comparison. The Midwestern expectation is that by 33 I should have had all those things, and I am angry with myself that I don't. I'm angry that I allowed chances to slip by me because I focused on other things. Sometimes it's hard to remember that those other things are good too, my education is nothing to sneeze at.

Which leads to the fact that my education in a lot of ways is the way I've compensated for the fact I've not ever attained the husband-kids-dog-house. It is the thing I can point to and say, "see, I've accomplished that." And it bothers me that my family, more specifically my brothers either outright ignore it or seem to not care. I work hard to make people proud of me because I want that recognition as a single, accomplished female who may not have a husband and family but who has done a lot in her life. And I feel constantly frustrated that they don't, and it undermines my sense of personal value. So I create a situation where it is either or, either I continue my education or I rush to marry the first schmuck who will have me just to satisfy this expectation. And of course it doesn't occur to me I can either do both and do both well or do one and have it be awesome, and all of that is OK. I a mess.

Anyway, that's all the further we got on that. We also did a lot with my anger issues. I am very angry at Patric, because what he did was wrong. But I am also angry at myself as well for falling for it when I knew better. I'm livid with myself. I knew who and what Patric was, and still I blindly believed that somehow he would wake up. It sort of fits with those patterns of behavior that I keep falling into, and I'm pissed as hell I keep falling into them. But I'm also equally afraid that if I don't I'll be alone forever.

See, that's the key, starting to learn that it's OK to be alone. I don't like it!

Anyway, then we get to the angst about me and relationships. Every relationship I've been in has failed in the same exact way, and all with the phrase, "I can't ever be what you want me to be." This is a phrase which confounds me because I wonder what it is they expect me to expect of them. This is usually accompanied by the equally annoying recitation of what a wonderful, great, saintly, Virgin Mary sort of person I am, (yeah, in what universe), and how they can't possibly live up to what I need.

Dude...all I need is someone who wants to spend time with me and pays part of the bills.

Joking aside, I do have things I want, but they aren't unattainable things. I might ask for patience and forebearance during football season, I might ask for honesty, I might ask for my father to conduct my wedding. But I'm not asking for the moon here. Is it the fidelity part? Maybe, I don't know. Perhaps there is something I'm not saying but somehow communicating to these people that I want. I don't know what it is? Or is it expectations that they put on themselves? Does it have something to do with my Midwest background, that husband-house-kids-dog mentality that scares people shitless. Believe me, I'm working on my PhD yo, I'm completely flexible on that.

Or perhaps I just seem to date people who are commitment shy. And perhaps that says something about me. Perhaps I'm dating people I'm setting up for failure because I feel that that's the only type of person who would ever seem to want to put up with me. Or maybe I'm a commitment phobe because of what happened with my parents. Perhaps its all the above.

Jesus, this is fucking complicated.

Anyway, so much to think about, and not enough whiskey to consider it with. I'm joking, Randy drank most of my whiskey at Christmas, (well what didn't go into the ham glaze). Let's just end it here by saying I'm an angst ridden, issue ball and leave it at that.

More work to be done....
Tags: (therapy)

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