Beshter (beshter) wrote,

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Tickle me Emo

Emo, emo, emo, much of it is just angry ranting. Really a majority of this is just me raging because I have no where else to rant, and much of it isn't rational or reasonable. And besides, I've beens tuck at home talking to no one all weekend. This is part of it.

Really...this getting used to being alone shit sucks.

I went out by myself to dinner on Friday. I had to get out of my room. I'm stuck there really, and I have no one to see and no place to go now. So I forced myself out to dinner. I wanted to talk the roomie out to it, but she likes being alone at home. So I went.

Dinner was good, but I was keenly aware I was by myself. And I didn't have the space to just sit and read. I think next time I'll just go to the coffee shop.

I tool a long walk through the street fair and went home. I got in and roomie was watching her shows, ones I don't care about. So I hid in my room again. She finally let me out to watch some West Wing.

I miss being able to go and hang with the boys whenever I want.

Yesterday was entirely in my room save for dinner. Finally I went out and watched West Wing for several hours, talked the roomie into that. Today has been more of the same. I should have gone to church, but really, I'm too emo even for that. This isn't good.

Next weekend at least is the wedding. I can see my friends, slap on the happy face, and I will be happy. It will be good seeing my family and the Jewell gang. And then back I come out here to...what, really? More school, a neurotic roommate, a house that isn't ours anymore. I don't even have my best friend to talk to anymore. He's got someone else.

I am more angry with him than I could possibly imagine at the moment. How selfish, how absolutely selfish he is. There was no discussion, there was no sharing of ideas on this, he only did and expected me to go along, like he always does. And he lied about it, that's the truth of it. He lied tried to explain away the lie by saying "I didn't want to hurt you."

I'm angry that I'm left alone with no one to call anymore and no one to talk to. I'm angry that I gave so much to someone who only cares about me because I'm some sort of emotional and physical comfort to him. I'm not an object worthy of respect, certainly not of love obviously, and it doesn't matter how much it effects my life. It doesn't matter that I'm sitting alone on a Saturday night, no where to go and no one to talk to. You are happy, you have your friends, you have your life, you have your dog. I wasn't what you wanted, I didn't fit the bill, and thus I'm worthless.

I need to stop valuing myself by the treatment by other people because obviously if I did that I wouldn't be worth very much. No one I know treats me very well. I don't know why I allow that to happen.

Anyway, much of this is a rant if you haven't noticed, which means some of it is true, some of it is skewed, and all of it is how I feel. Believe me, this is what I'm seeing a therapist for, and in RL I am very, very reserved about all of this. In my life I go about my days, I do my things, I go to school, I try to keep my crazy roommate together, I try to pretend that I'm not as heartbroken as I am. Really because none of it does me any good. But I can't bottle the nonsense and chaos forever so I rant here. Because really, who else do I have to talk to about it?

Tags: (emo)

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