That being said we got into some other issues as well. I discussed a bit about my "grass is always greener" issue, the fact that despite all I've done I feel it's not enough because of the cultural presuppositions I come from. I should be married with kids now, instead I'm single, jobless, and still in school. It's frustrating for me because I both want it and it's a cultural expectation. As much as I know a PhD will be a great accomplishment, I know I won't feel fulfilled by it because I will have no one to share it with.
And this is the crux of one of my biggest issues at the moment, and that is loneliness. I feel alone, I can't connect to people, or they can't connect to me, or something. God knows I've tried. People seem to blow me off with ease. My therapist was astute in noting that I fall easily into roles of taking care of others, but I don't take care of myself, and I don't have anyone else taking care of me. She asked me if there was anyone in my life who has ever taken care of me and I got quite emotional when I told her no, I don't remember a person who has. I've always hoped that someone would want to, but no one has ever taken up that mantel. Patric has had his moments, he more than anyone else, but he has failed me on multiple occasions. So I stop believing anyone would because everyone who has promised that for me has failed me miserably. I don't want to be alone, and yet here I am, and it kills me because I don't know why no one is capable of giving to me, of taking care of me. I'm the comfort to so many, and yet at the end of the day I'm sitting in a house I can't live in, with a roommate who has more issues than National Geographic, and a relationship, (if you want to call it that), that flat out told me he could not be that person who can take care of me.
So I'm stuck by myself yet again.
But the therapist did make some suggestions. She gave me the thumbs up on my planned vacation. she said I need to do more things for me to just get me settled. She also suggested I take this time to be alone. I need to figure me out and put me together for a bit and then perhaps others will connect to me more. And she is right, I have known for a bit I've needed to do that, but it was good hearing her say it as so many other people tell me I need the exact opposite. Go out and date, go to groups to make friends, whatever...no. I need to be me for a while. If I could afford to move on my own right now I would, but for now I'll work out something here with Linda. But in all other things I think I need that space. And I think my vacation will be a good start. I came out to LA alone after all, I can do this too.
I just wish alone wasn't such a damn, scary word.