Really, what can you say to ten years of devotion being thrown in your face?
I gave up a lot for this person, everything really. My self-respect in the first place, my dignity in a lot of other cases. I put up with the slings and arrows of many a person I once called friend by standing at his side.
I won't say he didn't try to reciprocate, i don't think I could have managed to stay afloat the last 10 years without his monetary beneficence from time to time. He bought books for me at PCC one semester when I didn't know how I could afford them. He paid for my gas to UCLA for a long time. He spotted me time and time again without question.
In that sense I guess it was his weird sort of affection.
Right now I am so angry with myself it can't even be described. Angry for not listening to people years ago when they warned me. Angry for not taking up his proposal when he asked and I so desperately wanted to say yes, but was scared that I would never be what he wanted me to be. And I guess that is played out at last, I never was what he wanted.
I feel less than nothing at the moment.
There are those of you who are out there who are fierce and angry and I love you. You tell me I deserve more and are ready to pull our swords and start the slaughter. Thank you.
But right now this is the pain of knowing I wanted something so much, was willing to do anything to have it, and was told no matter what I did it was never good enough. Well, more precisely I was told that I was too good. But in its twisted way that is the same thing. I'm not what he wanted and I never was. It was the fear I've had all these years, born out of the love he always had for other women and never for me.
I'm tired...I've given all of myself to too many people who have left me standing just like this at the end, broken, wondering what I could have possibly done. And perhaps you could say I attract the worst sort of person, and I won't deny it. I knew going into all of this he was the worst sort of person. Perhaps that's why I loved him, I don't know. But I can't do this again.
The irony of all of this was he said he didn't want to leave me broken, and that's just what he did. I'm managing to do schoolwork, that's good. I need to focus enough to do papers, etc. At some point I need to get myself together enough to look for a job, to try and make my way in a life where I can't rely on him to help me. That scares me. He was so much a part of my family for so long, the one constant in my life that without it I feel exposed and vulnerable.
I told copperdragonfly that if I could I'd fly back home and renounce this whole California thing, I would hide back in the Midwest and never come out again. I have had nothing but failure here. Well...except my education. But at the end of the day a piece of paper does not give you comfort. It doesn't hug you when you've had a bad day, it doesn't hold you in bed at night. It doesn't sit with you and watch stupid television shows or complain when you hide for hours writing fanfic. I've lost all of those things to someone who randomly came into his life. Ten years I've been here sharing every one of those things and I'm pushed aside without even the benefit of a discussion, without even the dignity of an explanation. All I'm told is "I'm sorry."
Right now that isn't good enough.
At the moment he's at couple's counseling. He has to get his head on straight, has to fix what's wrong with him. Perhaps he has good intentions. Those intentions were never turned towards me, except to crush me in the most cruel of ways.
Is it disgusting I still love him despite that?
I don't know, my father still loves my mother, I suppose it's the Cossaboon fate. We are to love well those who don't deserve it and live the rest of our lives miserable. A rare few of us may find happiness. I wanted that...perhaps a part of me still does, but I can't think of reaching out anymore, of giving of myself like that. I'm too broken for anyone, really.
Broken and less than nothing...