Beshter (beshter) wrote,

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Proof I can suck as a human being...

This is proof I suck as a human being.

I found out today my step-sister is getting married. She's been through a lot with my niece Serena, (who is severely disabled), and the father of my niece was a fuckwad twat who we thought had ruined her on men for good. But she found a man who is good to her, who loves her, and loves Serena, so this is awesome. On that level I am very, very happy for her.

On another level I'm insanely jealous.

I am the oldest. One of my dreams in life was to settle down. But I've first of all I have been engrossed in school. Second of all I fell for someone who is so mixed up I can never tell what he really plans on doing with himself. Three years ago I get home from Rome, he says, "I think we should perhaps have a relationship and think about getting married." Except he never had any intention of really making a real relationship, just hoped I would go along with his plans. You can guess why this didn't work out, out, but a part of me still hoped that perhaps we'd stop being idiots and figure this out. In the last few months it has become extremely clear that this will never happen, he has no interest in it, and is in fact seeing other people. OK, wish you'd have told me so I wasn't feeling like a god damn idiot.

We never exactly had a "normal" relationship. Let's face it, I was a fall back for many years. We stuck it out because we were both comfortable with it. But I know I am tired of being insanely jealous of my friends finding those people who want to spend their life with them just as they are, who want to be mates and partners and not just friends and occasional fuck buddies. And that is why I'm insanely jealous of my step-sister. God bless her, she's had life kick her in the teeth, she's dealt with so much with my nieces health, and perhaps she's not the prettiest, hottest, most gorgeous girl on the planet. But she's nice, and kind, and loving, and someone loved that about her.

And I have to ask myself why am I not good enough for that? And why do I deserve to be somebodies fallback? I don't. Eleven years of being the "other woman" is enough. Perhaps my self-esteem issues have kept me at bay for too long. But I'm thirty-three, I'm highly intelligent, and damn it, I'm an amazing woman. And I refuse to be kicked to the curb yet again because I don't fit a plan or an ideal, tossed aside and made to feel like shit because someone else has their head up their ass.

So the new year is starting. And I'm turning over a new leaf too. I don't know how successful I'll be, but I am tired of tying my heart to a person who has never appreciated it enough. Let him chase after his ideals and dreams. I need someone who loves me for me, with all of my geeking, my bitchiness, my neurosis, my Midwestern roots, my football, my love of writing fanfic, all of it. I need to find someone who wants to be with me as I am and wants to share that life with me and wants me to share theirs, and not someone who begins the conversation with a list of conditions that must be met for a relationship to work.

And they have to like Christmas.

The truth is I will never stop being in love or loving the person I have for so long. After that many years you just don't, there is past and history there. But it does morph and change. And I need to be OK with that and not fear that change. And I need to believe I am worthy of someone who will give me all of those things. I may regret that he doesn't want to, I don't have to be pinned down by this.

So wish me luck, cause right now I am terrified of this idea.
Tags: (emo)

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