Beshter (beshter) wrote,
Beshter
beshter

  • Mood:

Enough...

You tell me I should be happy with what I get, cause you don't want to feel that you've hurt me every time you see me.

I won't say your point isn't valid.

But you have hurt me. What am I supposed to say. "Gee, that's OK, I'm all right with the fact that you have crushed my heart and still expect me to be happy shiny about it?"

The truth is, and you said it yourself, if you hurt me that much you should be out of my life all together. And you are right, I've considered it more than once. But a part of me is just as heartbroken at that as it is with sitting here and pretending to be happy to see you when I'm crying inside. This is the worst position to be in ever.

And you couldn't possibly understand.

For you it is so easy. You have a goal, you are working to it. Matters of the heart do not factor. If things do not work out you shrug it off and move on. How sad and cold hearted. Perhaps it means you don't hurt as much, but it also means you don't love as much or care as much.

Cause it is clear in just our conversation today you have never cared nearly a tenth as I've loved you. Not that you haven't cared, you do, in your distant, logical way. But you have never needed me more than anything in your life. And yes I have felt that for you. Hence why I've put up with this shit for so long. Hence why I stand at the crossroads now. I am at a loss as to what to do.

Perhaps it is better to be a cold, logical, reasoning person like you, because in the long run you can ignore the heart aches. But I don't know about that. I think about all the things I've loved about you, the little moments, the ways in which you've made me smile, and I cherish and love each of those moments fiercely. I don't know if you can say the same thing for me. I've been a friend and convenience and nothing more.

Nothing kills the soul more certainly than knowing that.
Tags: (emo)
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