September 14th, 2011

me2

Hards but really good truths

So I had to send a hard letter today to someone who is REALLY nice. They are very interested in me. But I realized to my guilt I wasn't interested in him. And it wasn't because he wasn't someone to be interested in, it was because I wasn't in a place where I wanted to date him or anyone. So I had to tell him that. And it felt very good to do. I hated doing it, because I'm a person who likes to be nice, but I needed to do it. I'm not there for that type of relationship.

I had to be honest with myself, and that sorta sucked. I had to admit to myself that I still am very much mourning opportunities lost to me. I really did see a possibility of spending my life with someone that I can't anymore. That's like a divorce, though perhaps not as extreme as losing a spouse to death. But it isn't something you get over easily, those private hopes. And I tried really hard. But I'm not there. I wanted to be, because of all these different emotions, of feeling alone and not liking it, of being without my closest friends, of feeling abandoned by them and being pissed as hell. And I wanted someone to stop that hurt.

That is so not fair to anyone.

Beyond that it was just...not right, I felt it. I felt how not right this was for weeks. I couldn't put my finger on it, and still don't think I can, but there was always this lingering sense of dread whenever this person tried to gauge whether there was a chance. And I would be cautious, but never push away, and I realized, I didn't want to take it further. I would love to be friends with this person, but a relationship...I'm just not there yet.

I'm still very much love a person I can't have, that will always be the case. I need to get to the place where I can love someone else and want them in, and need them in. I think for now, at least for the next little while, I am not. I have PhD stuff to do, and school to finish up, and a life to focus on setting right. And perhaps, in a year or so, I'll be ready. And hopefully the right person will happen along soon after.

I feel good about this, sad, but good. I do believe in my heart that a husband and family are what are meant for me, there is no time table on that. But for right now, I think I just need to be okay being me.