January 9th, 2010


Julian of Norwich...

All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well-Julian of Norwich.

Things are well...and yet they are not.

I suppose that is always the way life is, there are things that are great for you at the moment, and things that are absolute shit. This time last year I was facing losing my home thanks to a shitty arrangement by my roommates family. Now that is all well and done, in the past, and I have a lovely new home that is quieter than the last. This time last year I had a job that depressed me and paid me little compared to what I was worth. Now I have no job, and live off unemployment and student loans. But I am going to graduate school, something I had toyed with since graduating from UCLA. This time last year I felt much more secure in my personal relationships than I do now. Hell, two years ago I felt even more secure. Now I feel like the threads that are tying me to people are unraveling faster than I can keep them together, and frankly a part of me wonders why I try.

Things are well, and things are not.

My writing, albeit fanfiction, has grown by leaps and bounds. I have a story, a real story being published soon. That is well, and it is a small joy I can take to show my parents and make them proud. Not that they aren't proud of me already. I feel I have to constantly do things to make them proud though. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I'm not there to hear the praise. My family gives so little of it to begin with. So I feel I always need to work hard to earn it, forgetting I already have it. My family...that isn't well. We are angry, we are lonely, we aren't speaking as much. I can't afford to see them now. They don't seem to understand that. I feel guilty for not being there for my nieces, for not being there for my Dad. But if I was there, what would I do?

That part isn't well.

The people I'm closest to in the world, those relationships feel taut. I don't know what to do about that. It's a constant presence in my mind anymore, but I ignore it. I feel too tired to deal with it, I want to curl inside myself and sleep and ignore it. But instead I do one better, I throw myself in things I love so I can distract myself from the fact that I am hurting a lot.

All shall be well and all shall be well....the mantra of my life. If I keep my head above the water, if I keep swimming, all shall be well.

Hopefully I don't drown first.

Note-New format for my journal, I am feeling the need to be more contemplative and less chatty with it. We'll see how this goes. Julian of Norwich was a Medieval English mystic, famous for Sixteen Revelations of Divine Love.
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Personal Meme....

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?
I have so many to choose from! 1) Hurting someone I thought highly of for no better reason than I was young, hurt, and silly. 2) Not following my own cardinal rule about matters of the heart. 3) Not finishing college much sooner than I did.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
1) Patric 2) Roomie, 3) Dad

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?
1) Constantine, 2) Beethoven, 3) John Lennon, 4) Jesus, 5) Alexander the Great

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
1) Health and prosperity for my friends and family, 2) My debt taken care of, 3) A job that fulfilled me in life.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

I regret my city having no subways and not a lot of things to do late at night. You should avoid the 405 and the 5 freeways like the plague!

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

My parents' divorce
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