October 7th, 2003


Feeling conspicious...

Last night I had to turn in the first draft of my first English essay, and have two of my peers review and critique it. I had to do the same for theirs. I read through their papers, one had potential, one was just fragmented, made my comments, hoped they were constructive, and returned their papers. I then waited with anticipation for my paper to see what they had to say, because I had some issues with the flow of it. I thought there would be a lot of comments, particularly concerning the melding of the two ideas I was going for.

There wasn't a one. In fact, they said it was perfect, great, few changes, blah. I was dissappointed. OK, a part of me was pleased they thought so, but I was dissappointed, because I wanted to know if there was something I could change. Slightly frustrated I went home, but I'm taking it to my English lab tonight to get a prof to look at it.

Deanna, one of my fellow students, said it was probably because they didn't know what to look for. But I felt weird...very conspicuous.

Then this morning, I was waiting for my elementary algebra class to start, and one girl asked another who her history teacher was. She was taking Zarate, my favorite teacher at PCC, and I got all excited about it. She thought I was JOKING! OK, so maybe Eloy is hard, but come on here, all he asks you to do is think. You don't even have to agree with him as long as you back your argument up in a well thought out manner. He asks you to look at history with a critical eye and original ideas, not just what has been spoon fed to you through high school and the History Channel, hence why I love him, (despite what stories I've heard about him.) That's what a history prof should be. But this girl thought I was nuts till I told her I was a History major, then it seemed to make sense to her. But still, the fact that she didn't get it, or perhaps didn't see it the same way I did was disturbing. So I sat meekly in my seat, trying to forget the fact that for the first time in my life I felt weird for using my brain.

Perhaps it's because I've been through college once before, perhaps it's because I'm a little older, my parents are educated and well read, I was in SLAFC for so long and was around REALLY intellegent people and read a ton of game books, who knows, but I never felt this conspicuous before. RegentSabbat told me that this is how it gets the more education you get, suddenly you are no longer part of the 'unwashed masses'. I've never bought into that, people are people, smart or not, and everyone has their own unique wisdom in the world. I never considered myself brilliant, but I liked to learn, and that was that.

I don't like feeling that I'm different than the unwashed masses. Perhaps I'm so used to being in the bottom of the heap, being closer to the middle is unnerving. I can only hope I don't get snotty about it, (or any more than I already am), but I wish I didn't stick out like a sore thumb just because I can use my brain.

Now, if only I could stick out that much in Math and Science...LOL I could talk shop with Dan, Josh, and Gita once in a while. Sadly, I'll forever be an idiot when it comes to upper level science guys, at least I have that going for me! :)
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