September 9th, 2003

me2

And in other news...

Copperdragonfly called yesterday to tell me she got into Lexington, KY all right. Hooray. She shall be there till Thursday, when she plans to drive to Springfield, I'm assuming Missouri, and I hope to hear from her again then. Good, while she's in Springfield go see how truly ghetto my mother's house is, I haven't been there but I've heard rumors. Doesn't make me happy.

I got home relatively early last night, around 9, and took to sitting on the couch like a potato, (my ass hurt from biking six miles with a thirty lb backpack on), and flipped on PBS just because the big ship with full sale caught my attention. Turns out it was "The American Experience", that Ken Burn's show that makes my history glands salivate with geeky anticipation. Apparantly some relative has completed a documentary on New York, and it was the final episode. Three guesses as to what THAT one was about. I then realized what week it was. Yep, it's about that time.

I was never a huge fan of the whole concept of 'New York'. Frankly I think it's overrated in a lot of ways, a commercialized dream of a city made up by television and novelization. Much like Los Angeles, people assume it's this strange citadel up on the hill, and they romanticize it in sweeping terms, and frankly I just never bought into it. I'd go to New York for Broadway, for Lincoln Center, for seeing the lights at Christmas and skating at Rockefeller Center, the stupid touristy things that people go and do in New York. But I can't say I could ever fall in love with the city. I couldn't be happy living there. There's something manic and claustrophobic about it that just turns me off, something that Los Angeles, even with all it's mass of freeways and it's glut of traffic still doesn't seem to capture. Los Angeles at least is wide and open, I feel less crowded here. New York...mmmm, I just don't think I could be as happy.

Still, I did feel badily about the WTC. Of course something like that would happen, that's not what shocked me. The fact that there was a terrorist attack on that building in particular, nope, didn't shock me either. For me the shock came on the sheer human tragedy. I had this argument the other day with RegentSabbat, who was rather cool about the whole thing. To him, it was a logical progression, of course, why in the world wouldn't we all expect something like this. Sadly, he tends to also not be the most empathetic bean in the chili, which was an element that I really don't think that some people outside of it all got. The fact that there were real people who died and weren't coming home really didn't hit home with some, because they couldn't feel that loss. It's that same sick feeling I get when I see minor tragedies, like car accidents, on the television, only multiplied on the thousands scale. For all we knew the day it happened, 100,000 people died. It wasn't that the event happened, I know the soci-political background as well as anyone else. But it's knowing that there are lives ended without their consent, without their knowledge, this was what upset and disturbed me about the event. To the nation, even worse it was OUR people, and that was something that the collective national psyche couldn't accept.

I realize this happens all the time all over the world, many places this is an everyday occurance. You walk out the door with the expectation you might die. But in a country that's been told that it's safe to walk out your door and go to work, you'll be fine, you can imagine why the reaction was the way it was. I think that many logic oriented people forget this. Logically to them they think, "OF course we should expect that." The truth is we just don't. You don't expect to walk out your door and die. This is what was so upsetting, why it was so tragic. The terrorist factor just added to the wound, because it gave us something to blame, but the fact of the matter was that this was a huge check-mark against mortality to most red-blooded Americans. And they didn't like it that much.

I suppose for me the great sadness of it all was that there was so much death. To be honest, I agree with RegentSabbat, the act itself isn't all together that surprising, we all knew that eventually there would be an open and flagrant attack like this. We can't go around on the international political stage, acting like the shit, without expecting someone to come and bloody our nose. We get angry that there are those out there that say we deserved it, and now we know how they feel. And they are right. Our nation and it's leaders are the innocent bistanders here, and it's time the public started to face that. And our reaction to the event hasn't exactly been faultless, righteous, or justified either. THese are things we forget when we get lost in the grief of the moment. There are real reasons why it happened and I think we need to be aware of it if we wish to prevent events like that from happening again.

Man, if only the Middle East peace talks could work from this perspective, but then agian it's far more complicated than that. It always is when you have to answer to the families of those who lost loved ones. TO them it isn't logic, it isn't politics, and they will never look at it like that.

I think I know to many people who have a lot of Abilities and low Humanity. *snark* Or I might be just to high on my Humanity, who knows. The world can be solved in gaming analogies.
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me2

The model for a kid sister...

Not many people know I have a younger sister. To be honest, I don't discuss her much. Seven years younger than me, most of my life she seemed like the annoying kid sister. When I was starting to wear make up and like boys she was only in elementary school. Not exactly something a seven year old would understand. And when she finally turned 12 and 13, I was away at school, busy with my new, independent life, and not really to concerned about the troubles of a preteen sister. I admit, I really wasn't the greatest of older sisters. I often ignored her, or made her do my housework, and forced her to listen to all my silly stories of my inconsequential life experiences, ignoring her when it wasn't of interest.

But I was a stupid older sister, that goes with the territory I suppose.

Beth and I sort of group up apart. I was the stubborn, off beat older sister, who through herself into her passions with crazy persons zeal, and delighted in doing things to tweak her father because she knew that she would always be Daddy's little girl. Beth was quieter, angrier in a lot of ways, much more cunning and devious than I can be at times, but quiet, bookish, and with a sarcastic and bitter streak in her that keeps running forever, but extremely bright, much more so than many give her credit for. She was always closer to my mother than she was to dad. Perhaps they could relate on a level that Mom and I never could manage.

Upon speaking with my mother the last time, I discovered that Beth wants to move to the West Coast, perhaps Seattle. Her reasons all sound vaguely familiar, she hates small towns, she wants to get away from the family, she wants better job opportunities. All similar reasons to myself. This distrubes me on a level. I'm glad my sister wants to get out, but I'm not so sure she should be giving one of her reasons as "Well, Jennifer did it, so can I!"

Besides the fact that I believe people should do everything out of a self motivating goal rather than trying to live in the limelight of their siblings, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable in the role of 'older sister'. In other words, the fact that I've done it successfully and proven to my sister it can be done, this is the stamp of approval for moving halfway across the country from your family, friends, life, and all the rest. Of all the times to use me as an example, why did she have to start now?

My sister is 19, she is a big girl, and I know, she has plenty of her own reasons for going, ones that are perfectly valid. I just wish Mom hadn't mentioned the 'because Jennifer did it' part, because now I know that I'll feel responsible for her. What if something happens? What if she fails miserably at it? Will the family look at me with raised eyebrows?

And then, I worry that she is going someplace completely strange without even the benefit of knowing someone in the city she wants to move to, having never seen it, not knowing what her prospects are, blah, blah, blah. These are all things I researched and did before I moved. Granted, the only person I knew was my ex who was helping more out of guilt than a sense of kinship, but it was better than nothing. With her, who does she have around?

I don't know, I know Mom would love to have her move to LA, and have us live together or something, I vetoed that pretty quickly. As much as I love my sister and would worry....I don't handle living with my siblings well. And besides, I don't think Beth wants a younger version of mother hanging around bossing her around, flittering around like some hyper magpie, which I know I would be. And then, I'm not comfortable with the idea of having my sister in the same city...it's something about this being MY city. But I'd love her living someplace close. San Diego would be cool, though I doubt Beth would like the warm climate. San Francisco would be better, but it's so expensive. Still, they would be close enough that I could drive up there if I had to, or just go visit on the holidays to be with my family.

ADmittedly, it would be nice to have family close enough to see. Though when my grandmother lived in Tucson I never managed a visit. I blame the missionaries she lived with.

I don't know, I'm so mixed on Beth's idea, but in the end, I'll keep my mouth shut and just offer her a hand if she needs it. After all, if she really wanted her older sister's opinion, she'd ask for it.

I just hope she knows what she's doing. Hell, I am not that far removed from 19, and I know I still wonder if I know what I'm doing.
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