August 15th, 2003


More reasons why I hate doctors...

It's really not THEIR fault I supposed, but I will blame them just the same.

So I went to the doctor today about the BP thing, and it was WORSE, can you believe it. Eight months ago it was spot on perfect. Now it's CRAP. He said it was probably nerves, and that I had put on a little weight (10 lbs, ack) which probably is what exacerbated it, and that stress and potential hyperthyroid problems could be all that it is, and that if I get all three things under control, I'll be fine, but it made me feel no better.

I wanted to cry.

After all, my father's BP has been the bane of his existence. I don't want to end up like him, on half a million drugs just to function because it slowly made all the bits and pieces of my body just give out before I was 50.


I don't mind the weight loss, believe me, I would love to fit in a size 10 and not feel sorry for myself. That's ok by me, I just have a better reason for doing it than picking up men. I don't mind getting the blood work done, needles never bothered me. OK, so I mind the watching what I eat thing, cause it requires a level of concentration and attention to food that I would rather not put into it, and instead put into school or learning how to drive. ANd now I have one more health thing to worry about.

As if the raging hormones and annoying asthma weren't enough. But then, I should consider myself lucky, I know so many other people who are so much worse health wise and don't gripe about it nearly as much as I do.

But I'm worry know, and I know I won't let it go.


Ahh well, I'll stick to salads and fruit, I'll ride my bike more often, (as even with a licence the hell I'll be able to afford a car anytime are for long distance trips), and be good and get the BP down.

I'd rather just be a mindless young person. *sigh*
  • Current Music
    Stupid Gap commercial....

Perhaps it's for the best...

After speaking with Copperdragonfly on the situation, (s'ank you m'dear), I feel a little better about the whole BP thing. After all, she's right, it's manageable, and since it just popped up overnight practically, it's probably just as easily revered, not a long standing thing. But still, I hate dealing with my own mortality, I'd rather be stupid and think I was invincible like everyone else. Oh's well's, better now than in twenty-five years, right.

In reality, it's probably a wake up call to a situation I've let get completely out of hand in the last year, and one that I've admitted to in my other journal, but have just sort of ignored. The upheavels of the last year as well as the stresses of moving and school sent me tail spinning into a depression I just haven't shaken off. I suspect the extra 10 lbs, as well as the increased BP, and many of my worst additudes and behaviors this last year have all segmented from this abiding depression I've had, one that seems to only be getting worse and not better. I like to wallow in self misery, personally.

And while we can all play the pinpoint game as to what was the cause of this one, in the end I knew what was happening and just didn't care that I was getting into this emotional state. After all, no one else seemed to and why should I was the thinking here. At the time of course everyone else had plenty enough on their plate, but you see no one thinks with reason when they are trying to justify bad behavior to themselves. They just do it.

So here I am, depressed as all hell over my life and where it is, hiding out from anyone and everyone save those who actually take the time to come see me. And I haven't really felt inclined to do anything about it, because if I did, that would require me having to deal with the fact I was depressed, and that was something I just didn't want to deal with. Well, sadly, the whole doctor's appt this morning kind of made me see I have to deal with it, and soon. Blech.

I have the mad desire to kick my feet and scream, "I don't wanna".

It's hard, when you are in a situation like this, to really ask for help or to talk to anyone about it. Often I feel that the few people I do talk to tend to get wrapped up in their own issues, even if I was to open up about it, they would poo-poo it off and regale me with the angst of their lives instead, conveniently kicking me and my very real angst under the carpet because they feel it's silly or unbecoming of me. After all, I've heard all the speeches of why I SHOULDN'T be depressed. Most of these involve commendations on my ability to make it on my own so far from family, and aren't I so cool to be going to school and pursuing it. But you know, I do that because I couldn't stand the shithole my life was becoming. But that doesn't make me feel any better. THere's a difference between frustration and realizing that you feel like you are an unworthy person, and realize you've felt like that for a long time. It's hard to make your friends understand that. Hence why I've tended to hide...well, amongst a long, laundry list of reasons why I've hidden from most folks.

Perhaps this will encourage me to start taking care of myself again, but much like school and moving, it's a neccessity, I have to take these actions in order to have better health once again. Otherwise, I would have just continued down the same path because I didn't feel the compulsion to do otherwise. I seem to be lacking in the impulse to make my soul feel better, you know. I'm attatched to this weird, sick pain that I have that I want to feel horrible. I want to feel that because it's almost the only thing I can feel that I know isn't wrong, sinful, or a lie.

I think I should just go to church again, but it didn't really help then either. The more I think about it, the longer I've had this feeling, but it's only in the last year or so it's overwhelmed to this level. I think I just ran out of excuses to fend it off. How odd.

Anywho, guess what, I'm fucked up...ummm, who isn't. If you aren't, I call you a liar. LOL Everyone is. I think that's why I keep going ultimately, rather than allow myself to go completely over the edge. It's not like other people aren't angst ridden and issue prone. Perhaps that's also why I don't like talking about it.

God isn't this angsty, I know I promised I wouldn't do these, but I feel it's important to say it, because at least I'm getting it out. Besides, I'm not mentioning particulars here, ha, so no dirt anyone can use, neener, neener, neener.

*does the neener dance*
  • Current Music
    Silly neener song I've made up in my head...

Why do vampires have no taste...

I was doing a mass watching of Forever Knight tonight, and I noticed that every vampire had their place decked out in bad, modern Gothic. You know,usually in a back alley or bad converted flat, with REALLY expensive wrought iron candlesticks, tons of flame, and more black, gauzy stuff than in a Goth chic's bedroom. All of them, didn't matter the hovel. It was as if they were gifted with life eternal and cliche, modern chic decorating ideas. Gah. There were so many candles in one scene, I'm sure any sane vampire would have run screaming from the room. And what's with the black and red motiff, you don't think we haven't figured out your never age, drink blood, and have abnormal amounts of angst?

And let's not get into the leather and lace they all seem to wear. It's like 'Bondage Fairies' with fangs.

If I was a vampire, I'd have lots of fluffy stuffed animals and clothes all over the place. Perhaps a kitten or two. I'd make it disgustingly sweet and fluffy, to throw my victims off guard. And when they were just getting settled in fuzzy slippers under a wooly blanket, BAM, then I would strike. They would innocently be sipping hot chocolate and never know what happened to them. Fuck this luring the innocent virgin into my creepy, yet romantic Gothic lit hole in the wall and let me suck their blood. Lie to them, be a trusting slob, lure them in with sweetness and light. It makes life so much easier when you do that, and it looks less like a bodice ripper.

Though a read a great bodice ripper once about vampires....I'll have to find that one again, some cheesy Harlequin.

I really have to go to bed.
  • Current Music
    Armenian traditional music...