This is REALLY embarrassing for me to do, and I hate, HATE posting something like this, but friends have suggested this and I'm following their advice!

I've had some people ask, so I am putting this out there. As many of you know, I am a theology graduate student at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, and I'm finishing my last two quarters. Of course grad school is expensive, even with all the loans I have out and working both at Fuller and as a tutor, sometimes it isn't enough when you get to the end of the quarter, (like right now). Rent, gas, bills, those things all catch up, and when your income is fixed, it can be a problem.

So I'm asking for a bit of help from my friends and family of they can. I'm continuing my quest to find extra money resources, but could always use the help. Some have asked if there is a place to donate, and yes, there is, I have set up a place here:

Any little bit helps a great deal.

Of course I don't expect it, and certainly I know it's hard for a lot of people, but any little bit helps out, and hopefully I can find a way of paying this forward to others who are in my boat. But if anyone is interested in helping out a future theology grad, I would appreciate it. And of course, I'd just appreciate well wishes and prayers too on my quest to find a job this summer!

Thanks to any who can help!
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Hards but really good truths

So I had to send a hard letter today to someone who is REALLY nice. They are very interested in me. But I realized to my guilt I wasn't interested in him. And it wasn't because he wasn't someone to be interested in, it was because I wasn't in a place where I wanted to date him or anyone. So I had to tell him that. And it felt very good to do. I hated doing it, because I'm a person who likes to be nice, but I needed to do it. I'm not there for that type of relationship.

I had to be honest with myself, and that sorta sucked. I had to admit to myself that I still am very much mourning opportunities lost to me. I really did see a possibility of spending my life with someone that I can't anymore. That's like a divorce, though perhaps not as extreme as losing a spouse to death. But it isn't something you get over easily, those private hopes. And I tried really hard. But I'm not there. I wanted to be, because of all these different emotions, of feeling alone and not liking it, of being without my closest friends, of feeling abandoned by them and being pissed as hell. And I wanted someone to stop that hurt.

That is so not fair to anyone.

Beyond that it was just...not right, I felt it. I felt how not right this was for weeks. I couldn't put my finger on it, and still don't think I can, but there was always this lingering sense of dread whenever this person tried to gauge whether there was a chance. And I would be cautious, but never push away, and I realized, I didn't want to take it further. I would love to be friends with this person, but a relationship...I'm just not there yet.

I'm still very much love a person I can't have, that will always be the case. I need to get to the place where I can love someone else and want them in, and need them in. I think for now, at least for the next little while, I am not. I have PhD stuff to do, and school to finish up, and a life to focus on setting right. And perhaps, in a year or so, I'll be ready. And hopefully the right person will happen along soon after.

I feel good about this, sad, but good. I do believe in my heart that a husband and family are what are meant for me, there is no time table on that. But for right now, I think I just need to be okay being me.

Just a thought and a prayer for me if you would...

Just a thought and prayer from people out there.

This is the first year where I will be alone for my birthday. Not totally, the roomie will be here, but it is the first year without my friends...well, people I considered friends. I am not dealing well with this. I try, I try to pray, and be reasonable, and do all the things that people tell you to do. But I'm failing miserably, and the level of depression surrounding this birthday is much deeper than normal...and it is scaring me a bit.

I am not handling being alone well at all. I keep trying to keep my chin up, to believe things will work out fine, but right now it isn't working. Perhaps in a few weeks, maybe. But the last week has been the worst. It's been a hard year where I've felt abandoned by those I've loved best. And recent weeks have thrown more emotional road blocks at me that I haven't discussed. Therapy is helping, somewhat, but right now it's a rough period.

THere are things to be happy about, the house situation is settled, I found a job, and we'll see where grad school apps lead me this fall. But personally, inside my head, it's not so good. In some ways it is getting a bit worse. Having never been in this spot before, i don't know what to do about it.

And my birthday is coming up. I'm turning thirty-four, everything and one I've ever loved seems to like to shit on me, and I'm a gibbering, depressive mess. I suppose it could be worse, but it doesn't make it feel better now. And damn it, I want to feel better, I'm so tired of feeling like this everyday.

Call for help...

Hi there-

As many of you know, Joplin, MO was absolutely destroyed by a EF5 tornado on Sunday afternoon, killing 125 so far, injuring many more, destroying 8000 structures, and leaving thousands without homes, their lives and community shattered. Worse, the storm struck in the middle of a Sunday afternoon, when many were at home or out and about for the local high school graduation, so many more are missing.

Joplin isn't a small town, it's 50,000 people, bigger than the suburb I live in in LA. It's the economic hub for that part of Southwest Missouri, and the destruction is crippling. While it isn't on the level of the tsunami in Japan, for this community it is just as heartbreaking and horrific, with a six mile swath of damage right through the center of the city. For a native midwesterner, the images are horrifying even to me, who saw her fair share of tornadoes while living there.

Sadly this isn't the only tornado that has hit this month or even this week. Alabama was torn apart last month, Missouri, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Arkansas just this week. Being a Missouri girl, I feel this acutely because it could be my family and friends in the path of one of these storms at any point in time. That's why I'm putting the call out there to people who read this blog to show your support. You can go to, or look for some of the local organizations in the Joplin area that you can donate to to make sure all of your money goes to helping the tornado victims. Even just a little bit can help so many rebuild their lives in the wake of this utter disaster.

So please help out the folks in the Midwest, give them a lending hand if you can. Show them your love, compassion, and support during this difficult and frightening time.
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Woo Boy...

Think that my roomie has finally lost it. Tonight I got yelled at about what a bad person Patric was because of the angst he's going through, and how dare a person care about the woman they love over their dog, (mind you he loves his dog). And then I was told I was trying to win him back by holding his dog hostage and not giving her back to him. Mind you, he wants me to take care of her and plans on taking her back, and I plan on giving her back, thus I don't know how that defines hostage. I'm a pretty smart person. And then I was told how bad of a person I was because I insisted on being Patric's friend despite the angst he's causing me, and how that must mean I don't love her and don't give a shit about her.


I had to listen to an hour of this.

Long and the short, yes, I rant a lot about Patric here because where else will I do it? He's still my best friend and it's worth it to me to keep my friend and not be a lonely, angry person hiding in my house. I feel better being his friend than not. And I am watching his dog as a favor because it is what friends do. I'd expect the same from him. I am not being used. Hell, I offered, because really, I wanted to cuddle a puppy. And I resent the insinuation or the aspersion. Patric has done much wrong, but having me watch his dog? I thought that was sort of responsible, make sure she was someplace safe while he moved.

Really...Linda has some fucktarded priorities anyway, and she certainly doesn't understand broken hearts, which I get in spades. And really she's most pissed off because she can't control this situation. She's pissed off that I'm hurt and she can't make me stop being hurt. And she's pissed off that the dog is here. Really, she's just pissed off at life, and she's taking it out on me.

I should mention she had been drinking again when she started this tirade. Really, I'd had a shit day anyway. My car is acting up. I'm not sure how I'm paying for anything. And then she pulls this on me. What the hell? Her behavior is becoming more and more erratic the older she gets. And I'm rather tired of it. I really want to move, but don't have the fundage. If I could pick up and move to the West side by myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. The idea of having some peace would be so nice.

Patric, I adore you. I am not not trying to get you back, I am trying to work through my angst concerning you. And to do that, I think the last thing I need is to be trying to win you back. Certainly I wouldn't use your dog to do it, cause that doesn't strike me as being particularly effective. Cause you would likely tell me just to keep her if I held her hostage.

Oye...really...I'm tired of crazy people.
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